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New livejournal :O [05 Feb 2004|07:11am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Hey I switched my livejournal toooooo fakexhappy. Ive added all my old friends sooooo can you guys do me a massive favor and add me on that one? Feel free to delete this one as well since highly doubtful it shall be updated.

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Canadian Idol my ass. Im embarrassed for us. [04 Feb 2004|03:19pm]
[ mood | curious ]

My ass is oddly itchy so please, be patient while I scratch it. :) Okay, and I am done. Well here I am decked out in my black cord jacket, red La Senza tank top, and jeans. Apparently I look "put together" or so I was told my Caitlin. Somewhat amusing, or so I like to think at least. Haha. I was all like yeah thats great, thanks. Walk away. Fast. Now. GO!

So Im somewhat hyper/happy. But then again Im also very tired. But Gordie took me out to Starbucks and we talked about this entire thing. And apparently Dustin told Gordie that my parents told him not to hang out with me anymore... which is way weird cause I cant see my parents doing that. I mean, I know they told me I shouldnt but they would never call him up and say, dont hang out with my daughter anymore. So I need to discuss those matters with him. Yay.

As for Lauren, she has been telling more people about how I gave Hilary alcohol. Kind of humorous, kind of not since it makes me look like a horrible person. Her only thing is "shes only 15!!!" but uhm, Lauren, you drank when you were 15 so what the hell? Plus, SHE HAS DRANK WITH HER SISTER?!?! Fuck. The only reason she is mad is because she got grounded and thus could not hang out with her beloved Dustin. She could give a flying fuck about her sister. If she hadnt gotten in trouble she probably would have laughed at her sister and been like whatever. But no because it involved her its a bad thing thus I sinned. But WHAT THE FUCK EVER!

Gordie thinks I should make amends with her but I have no ambition to. I really am mad at her, everytime I think of her I think nothing but bad things and I dont think its good to try and become friends again with these bad thoughts in my head. It bugs me. A lot. And I cant be friends with someone who makes me feel bad and is becoming meaner by the day. Maybe Im just paranoid, yet again. Sigh. There I go doubting myself again. I blame them because no matter how right I feel, they always find a way to tell me Im wrong and in return make it seem like Im the one in the wrong. Sigh.

Well Ive had enough ranting for today. Im doing good in school cept for the two classes Im getting 22% in *blush* haha. Thats my bad. But I cant help but hate Socials and Biology. Such shit. Who the fuck cares about unicellular organisms? How can they be uni? Obviously something makes up that cell. Obviously there is something smaller. I have a problem with asking "why" a lot... I dont think Bio is the type of class I should be in. :P

Blech. Go Ask Alice is an amazing book. I recommend it. Though apparently Im behind with the times and like everyone has read it. -_-;;;;;;;; Sexing it up on the east side bwahahahahahaha!.... er yeah.

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Im coming clean [03 Feb 2004|02:02pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I felt like I needed a bubble gum mood to surround me right now. Yknow, happy colors make the woman and all that jazz. :D So, as you probably noticed I went bye bye for a long time, yet again. And thats my bad really but like I said at fake-happy.com, Ive just been trying to get back into the swing of actually completing my homework and handing it in. As well my personal problems with friends and myself have somewhat escalated and although now they are still huge, I am trying my best not to concentrate on them. Thus I went back to here in hopes of distracting myself. And I even started a diary again (written)... I feel so old school haha.

Well. Yknow what. I was guna mention my problems with Dustin but it seems so pointless since, Hena will get mad, others will tell me to get over him. So whatever. Blah de blah blah right. Just a boy. But in other news concerning friends, Im against Lauren. Besides the fact the girl claimed to always be there for me, she ran away at my weakness, and let others handle me while she got mad at me. She made me feel stupid and pathetic for being depressed. And then after all the times I asked her, do you have a crush on Dustin, she finally says she does but I have to hear the entire story from Tawnya and Gordie. She didnt even have the nerve to tell Tory the entire truth. These things have uspet me. I realize I may also be tainted because of my obvious feelings for Dustin. But the thing is, Im not mad at him. Im saddened because he cares for a girl hes only known for a few months, and he wont even care for me, someone he has known for more then four years. But whatever, right? Lauren, however, thought she could spare my feelings... and would hide her attraction for him. Never telling a soul. But the moment there is a disagreement between us its like shoot off and tell Dustin you like him. Never once telling me. But ah, right, none of my business. No, of course not. But is it any of her business that I was in the hospital? No. No I called Dustin because I made a promise. I dont want attention as she likes to believe. If I did I would have told everyone. They did that themselves.

Okay, Im really trying to control that anger. Really. I swear. Bleh. I have like twenty minutes left in Computer Graphics till it is time to go home. This day keeps dragging on and Im in an extreme amount of pain cause of cramps. And I cant take any tyenol for obvious reasons. I really fucked myself over on that one. Hmpf. I think my main problem is, Im too honest and open with my personal problems. People cant seem to accept that. Tawnya can go off cutting herself but because she doesnt tell anyone, including her friends and family, its alright. I mean even if we find out in our own ways, we learn to accept it. However, because Im off trying to deal and accept my own actions, people get upset. Well that is unfair. Its like they are looking for reasons to hate me. To be mad at me. Im not a good person. Im not pretending to be. I know Im at fault and I know I say cruel things. But the truth of the matter is I dont always mean it. I just get worked up.

Before I continue with that ramble I just want to say that I did go and see a doctor and I was diagnosed with OCP which is a part of the anxiety disorder umbrella. My mother has it and basically you just worry over small things. Like is your handwriting perfect, is the picture straight, and when you care for things or like something, you overdo it. You may have noticed before when I owned Meowr, I constantly changed the layouts. Thats because they never felt perfect and I couldnt bare to come look at my site. I also hate to see fingerprints or bent pages in books. These are a lot of the things that upset me. And as for the caring too much. When I have friends, I love them to death I trust and I care and all that jazz. And I take things to heart. Because I put them in a place so near to my very being that its easy to get hurt. And I get upset. But I never hold grudges. Needless to say, they do.

The doctor.. my parents, all say I should get new friends. Or be on my own for a little while. My mom especially does not want me hanging around Dustin. Which is understandable since he does seem to be the cause of my anguish, usually. But the thing is, I find it hard. Out of all the people in my life, I can never stay mad or hate, or stop talking to... Dustin. I mean, I miss Lauren, and I miss Jill. I dont know where Sam and I are, but yeah. No matter how many times I tell myself Im never guna talk to Dustin again. I cant help. Because he is my vault, like my brother. I wont give him up because I care too much. But the problem is now, he will give me up. When it comes to Lauren, he will change. Its even started now. This guy always ALWAYS was honest and never hid his opinion. So when I learnt that he told Gordie he believes its not my fault for Hilary's problem, I grew upset because he would never tell me. He would never tell Lauren. And all because he wouldnt want her upset with him. For everyone to understand. Thats not the Dustin I grew to know. But no one believes me. Lauren changed. That made me sad. I do NOT want Dustin changing. No one sees this but me.

Maybe Im paranoid. But I know my friends. I know when something is wrong, I know when things are changing. I tend to accept change. But I dont think this will be for the better. Let him be happy but be happy being yourself Dustin.

Ergh. Look, its Hilary Duff. I like her new song Come Clean *hangs head in shame* Just walk away now... haha talk when I get home or something ;)

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Goodbye to you [17 Jan 2004|06:58pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

This is more less an update. Im getting a site. Ive had it for a bit. But Im just taking a long ass time. Thats my bad really. Uhm. I promise to talk later... yeah... later.

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2003 comes to a close [31 Dec 2003|08:02pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Thingy I got from uh.. a friend thingy of mine yeah I forgot my bad.

2003:
1. go to a party?: Ryan Coxx's shin dig
2. try something new?: Started drinking
3. have someone change your life?: Uhm Lauren.. Dustin.. bout it. Bad and good
4. kiss someone?: James (ick), Kory (ick), Dustin, Gordie
5. tell your family and friends you love them?: That I did
6. buy something extravagant?: I cant recall to be honest
7. do something nice for you?: I bought myself a ring and necklace. I rarely do shit like that
8. do something terribly wrong?: Took a bunch of pills and winded up in the hospital
9. move?: Look Im moving. My hands are typing. I walked a lot.
10. go to a concert?: I went to a shit one with Tawn and Jill... it was like for her crush... I think it was this year


best of the year:
1. party: Ryan Coxx's
2. show: Buffy
3. cd: Evanescence or Sarah McLachlan
4. movie: Lord of the Rings : Return of the King and Pirates of the Caribbean
5. song: Fallen by Sarah, White Flag by Dido, or My Immortal by Evanescence
6. experience: Uhm... I guess at the time when I fooled around with Dustin. Not anymore sadly
7. concert: AGAIN that one I went to with Jill and Tawn
8. book: Still Memoirs of Geisha
9. month: January
10. day: December 2


worst of the year:
1. party: My house party
2. show: Uh...
3. cd: Christina Aguilera
4. movie: Anything Else, fuck that was aggravating
5. song: Uhm... Miss Independant- Kelly Clarkson
6. experience: Overdosage
7. concert: Eff you
8. book: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
9. month: Ever since July and on
10. Day: December 5th... and 6th


hopes for 2004:
1. predict something that you think will happen in 2004?: Dustin and Lauren will go out
2. what do you hope changes about your country?: Nothing
3. what do you hope for yourself?: Purrhaps I shall be happy again
4. what do you hope for your family?: Understanding towards me
5. what do you hope for your best friend?: That she will be happy and wont hold back


during 2003:
1. where were you when it began?: Sick at my house
2. did you stay up?: I went to bed at 10
3. what was your new year wish?: Just to feel better at the time haha
4. how many boyfriends?: One and hated him
5. broke up?: One
6. have any crushes?: Yes
7. care to mention names?: Dustin and Ive thought others were cute but meh
8. new friends?: Lauren and I got closer. Gordie and Dustin I guess cause we werent really "friends" before
9. had to say goodbye?: Yes
10. missed anyone?: Yes
11. win anything?: Yes
12. best place you went to?: Mexico I guess
13. worst place you went to?: Mexico as well
14. happiest moment?: When Dustin gave me a hug, he came ever so far just to give me one. And I was like aw
15. how was your birthday?: It sucked during the day, but like I said Dustin gave me a hug and it was happy. My party sucked cause that night I learnt Sam liked Dustin but oh well right.
16. best present?: Kernels White Chedder powder for popcorn haha AND THE SARAH MCLACHLAN CD


now comes the hard part...

january: I was happy
february: I was happy
march: I was happy
april: I was happy
may: I was happy
june: Started liking Dustin again. School ended. Still happy.
july: Fooled around with Dustin but he swore he didnt feel the same. Became depressed. Artwork changed to more emotional pieces. Ie blood, dark, etc.
august: I sat alone. Depressed. Worked.
september: Dustin and I became friends. Went back to school. Tawn stopped hating me. Gordie and I became friends. Depressed.
october: I think this was the month Dustin and I started something more then just fooling around, never happened fully. Much more depressed.
november: Had my bday party. Threw candy. Depressed.
December: Got hugged by Dustin. Took a lot of pills. In the hospital. Got drunk two more times. Getting better.


word of advice: no matter how bad things are, no matter how sad you may be. there is always something better, always something worse. be happy not only for your friends and family who care for you dearly. but for yourself.

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Dont disappoint them [30 Dec 2003|04:21pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

This computer is majorly fucked. It likes to type itself or just stall for no reason. So Im kinda scared. Although Im starting to wonder if it is purrhaps from the game Uru. Its been ever so slow and creaky ever since we downloaded it. Quite upsetting. Making me cry. By the way, that game is fucking aggravating. You think you are doing well, then you get to a certain part, a puzzle purrhaps. And then your just like, okay I looked over everything, so never saw the clue to solving this. So me and my dad are stressing. Although him more then me cause I dont really get stressed just start to put holes through the monitor. Bout it.

Well last night was great fun. All I will say about it.

Im going to go see Mona Lisa Smile tonight with the gals, aka my mom and Marilyn. Loading up on popcorn there and I shall pour on the white chedder. Cause it makes me unbelievably hot and bothered. *rolls around purring* MMMMM THATS NICE APPLES. Haha my bad. Anyways I dont feel like talking forever if my computer is guna be the shits. So I shall leave you all. But have you know, that ... I love you.

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Sin against my lipsthe [29 Dec 2003|10:48am]
[ mood | tired ]

Hey we found ourselves with a computer virus so its kinda hard to work on things, and I cant even get into my account (XP) so Im on my dads. Thus I shall not be on as much just cause, I dont want my dad or Tony to access this site. So yeah. Once everything gets resolved I shall be back blogging, and making icons. Till then I should be getting ready. Hearts hugs and herpes MWAH!

PS, Bad Boys 2, not a bad movie whatsoever :D

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[27 Dec 2003|10:25am]
[ mood | giddy ]

Good day my fine pretty people. Tis a great morning to be alive I swear. Of course, my night sucked because I suffered from a panic attack and had a dream that I did not like. Plus it sucks because its my true reality in the harshest manner to be brought to my eyes. So thats upsetting. But nonetheless, today shall be a good day because I, Jessica, says it shall. Marilyn and Tony are right now high in the sky on their way over to see us. I have to babysit their dog, Roulette, on Tuesday. Which yes, sucks. But I get to go shopping and have great times with Marilyn still, so it all works out. Tony, however, promised me that when I turned 16 he would... *cough* with me. Haha. Its a thing he promised me when I was but a wee child. He read dirty limericks to my mom's stomach while I was in there. Tony is funny hehe. But hes a geek so na na na na! :P

Oh, and why am I happy... well, Hena started a lovely icon site that ME, yes ME, also takes part in. Yes I realize ME doesnt exactly belong there, it should be *I* but shut up. Just shut up. Just go there already!

So I leave you with that fun. Because I just know how much you all envy my oh so not hot icons. Now you can have my ugliness as well. YEAH ME!

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Splendid in everyway [25 Dec 2003|10:53am]
[ mood | content ]

Merry Christmas guys :D I got stuff like perfume, knee high socks, a skirt, a Sag. shirt, white chedder powder from Kernels, Sarah McLachlan CD (only thing I wanted, WOOT), URU from the creators of Myst, gift certificate to Jacob Annexe, bath stuff, etc. :) Nothing great but I got my CD so Im overly happy. Plus the socks and the skirt, are guna look splendid. And tomorrow Im guna go shopping at Jacob and buy myself a preppy black jacket. Yeah team! So yeah, Im guna go watch a movie and eat my popcorn that shall be coated in white chedder. *droolage* Have a great day, I need to call my pals shortly.

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Early happies [24 Dec 2003|06:44pm]
[ mood | full ]

This entry was removed due to the fact it had long loading images. And it was pissing me the fuck off. Smiles.

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The eve... [24 Dec 2003|01:08pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

Advanced Big Five Personality Test Results
Sociability |||||||||||||||| 62%
Gregariousness |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Assertiveness |||||||||||||| 58%
Activity Level |||||||||||| 50%
Excitement-Seeking |||||||||||||||| 62%
Cheerfulness |||||||||||||||| 66%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||| 62%
Trust |||||||||||||| 58%
Morality |||||||||||| 42%
Altruism |||||||||||| 46%
Cooperation |||||||||| 38%
Modesty |||||||||||||| 58%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Friendliness |||||||||||||| 52%
Self-Efficacy |||||||||| 34%
Neatness |||||||||||| 42%
Dutifulness |||||| 30%
Achievement |||||||||| 38%
Self-Discipline |||||| 26%
Cautiousness |||||| 26%
Orderliness |||||||||| 32%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Anger |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Depression |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Self-Consciousness |||||||||||||| 58%
Immoderation |||||||||||||||| 70%
Vulnerability |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Emotional Stability |||||| 28%
Imagination |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||| 70%
Emotionality |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 58%
Intellect |||||||||||||| 54%
Liberalism |||||||||||||||| 66%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||| 69%
Take Free Advanced Big 5 Personality Test


Merry Christmas Eve... that test was quite true with the whole depression, imagination, emotional.... etc. :) So, yeah Jess. It was actually an intriguing test, but like, a lot of the questions are the same, just reworded. Tres annoying. Oh well. I went and saw Lord of the Rings: Return of the King again last night. Fell asleep when Frodo took like an hour before he actually threw the ring down. So yeah, woke up when Sam and him fled the volcano while it erupted. :) Lauren came and gave me a free movie ticket for a Christmas gift, breaking all our promises of getting no gifts. Apparently Sam got me something too... GRR. And Alisha is coming to drop off a way belated Birthday gift sometime soon. I feel horrible cause I have nothing for any of them. Oh, but they shall just wait... till New Years. When they shall have all dammit! :D Hehe... yeah... So, Im guna go see Big Fish with Lauren's pressy. And I do not know when, but I shall. Watch me. But, I shall be off now. I just finished watching The Santa Clause 2, original was better, but cute and Christmassy none the less. :) MWAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS IF I DONT COME ON LATER!
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Playing the new hits [22 Dec 2003|09:05pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well how goes it? Im perfectly sober now haha. :D Uhm. Some other activities of the night include Gordie, Lauren, Dustin and I playing truth or dare drunk. Gordie dared Dustin to kiss me, and somehow he decided that meant make out with me. So it was like okay whoa and I fell over. And he decided he needed to do it again. And then my cheek got bitten haha.. and theeeeeeen he was like okay lets try that again, and I was just like, okay, this is over so go sit down lol. Uhm.. I also have his chain still.. dont know if I mentioned it. But he was hanging from a basketball hoop upside down, and everyone for some reason, minus me and Gordie, thought he was guna die. I was all "Can I have your chain when you die?" and so he gave it to me and said I could even has his computer. How great did I feel then haha. And then he lived. Damn the world today. Meh. I also told him for some fucked up reason that I was guna fuck his cousin Matt, cause earlier that day Matt had told me he wanted down my pants and I really have no problem with that. But I just didnt wana tell Dustin, but I did, and he remembers. But he seems okay with it. So yay. :)

Today passed with no complaints. I went up to Pizza Hut and got the most delicious pizza EVER. Oh.. just OH OH OH OH OH OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN CAUSE I LOVE IT. Masturbate my ass off to that pizza haha. .... Er.. yeah. Eff you. :P It was just yummy in my tummy. And then uh. I didnt really have an interesting day. Was sposed to do something with Lauren, got cancelled, Dustin, cancelled. So now Im dancing on webcam with Gordie waiting for Dustin to drag his sorry ass online. Yeah team... so yeah. Im gone. Work tomorrow for Ess. So I shall be online later. Alisha is coming to see me for a waaaaay belated birthday thing. Im feeling the love, the question is, are you?

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Drunken splendor [21 Dec 2003|10:17pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

Okay so first off, Im just sobering up at the moment. Lauren, Gordie, Dustin, Hilary, Jerry, Nichole and some other people all went out parading around town drinking it up. There were tears, and I had to watch Dustin hugging Lauren non-stop and the possibility of Lauren liking Dustin now. But thats okay, I mean, it sucks, but, yay for her if shes happy. And Dustin also told me he loved me when he was drunk. Not something I need to hear. And that he cried somewhat when I told him about the whole hospital tragedy. And that he would miss me cause he loves me. This is all something I would love to hear when hes sober, although he claims that because hes drunk he can then actually expose these things. I doubt their truth. So. Im home now. And theyre all out, so yay them. Hope Lauren remembers so that she can tell me. Cheerios, for I am tres tired and my hands numb and unable to type properly. :)

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We ready for this? [20 Dec 2003|01:57pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Well well well. Look who comes running back. Not so big shot anymore, now are we? No no no we are not. And I mean NOT. YEAH THERE! I SAID IT. SO YOUR FACE... your... face... full of... CREAM PUFFS. Yeah. YEAH PSSSSSSSSSSSSSH! I have a new layout, in your face, hah, in your face. YOU BIG DISGRACE. *spits*

PS, I think I forgot to mention that I went and saw Return of the King on Wednesday. Amazing movie. Gordie and I had so much fun, and I kept telling him that everyone in the fellowship was gay. Never seen a boy his age cry... amusing to say the least. Haha. The seen where Frodo gets wrapped in the web, and Sam pulls it off of his face... looks like Dustin. Lauren and I always made fun of him when he tucked his hood behind his ears, hes Hobbit Dustin. And this movie shows so much more why exactly. Haha. But yeah, amazzzzzzzzzzzzing movie. The fight scenes should have been longer, considering it was their great war of their time... Helms Deep battle seemed longer. Oh well. S'all good.

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Defence Mechanism [20 Dec 2003|08:03am]
[ mood | rejected ]

Hey. I talked to Dustin and got all bitchy with him, then somehow I ended up at fault with being the bitch. All my reasons for being mad at him are stupid. I should have been fine with the fact that Gordie knew he wasnt going. So, whatever. I started talking happier and he continued to use his one syllable words like "ok", "yea" and "na". You can just feel the love with words like that. Oh but then I told him I was guna go to his house and look at his new swords that just arrived. He was like okay, but come before 7 because I wont be home then. Zach and him were going out. So I shimmied over, and now, Dustin lives quite far. About a 30-40min walk. And its dark and starting to rain. So I got there at about 6 o'clock, and Alicia told me he had just left to meet Zach. I was somewhat upset, but before I left she told me that he should be coming back for a minute and that I could wait for him in his room if I wanted. So I did and I called up Lauren and eventually he came back with Zach. So right off the bat there was like, no niceness. Zach was making fun of me a lot, and Dustin wasnt sticking up for me. No instead he was joining in. It would have been funny besides the fact to me it seemed like they were teaming up against me. I didnt really understand what I had done to deserve it, maybe because I got mad at him. Isnt that great, I have a reason to be mad at him, and I get in trouble for it. And come out being the one everyone else is mad at instead. So I finally left and then Dustin followed me out and had the nerve to say it was only polite. I wanted to say, "Yeah well maybe you should have been polite to me in your room." Thankfully I was still on the phone with Lauren so I wasnt entirely left vulnerable. Maybe thats how I was rude, but still, it was unfair to me. I think. I dont understand why Zach was being so cruel and Dustin not the nerve to defend me. I fear for what they say behind my back.

But after that I met up with Gordie at Blockbuster, I had bought Lauren some flowers at Save On, and we picked out some movies. We rented The Nightmare Before Christmas and The Count of Monte Cristo, cause I love both those movies. Gordie and I only watched The Nightmare because after that I got extremely tired and passed out for the night. So it really wasnt that great of a night considering I was in bed at about 9:30 last night haha.

Well Im off to watch The Count of Monte Cristo right now. I have no clue whats on the plate for today, but I know tomorrow its me and Lauren and the drunken splendor that it all is. :) Go team us! Chat with you chickies later. Toodles.

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You see what happens when Im happy? [18 Dec 2003|08:59pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Well as of right now I am pretty damn pissed off. But Im guna start and tell you how my night went. Jen and I went and watched my lovely "daughter" Tawnya skate hehe. Ive never seen the cutie skate before but I was so proud. She had like this massive team thing, for synchro... and crap, it was like... wow. Cute costumes, cute lil hair, and just... CUTE CUTE CUTE! *starts to cry* Hahaha! She even looked adorable after the performance, all dressed up in big people clothing. All professional. Just can I keep her, like really! Hehe *claps* Bravo!

Now, back to my upsetting-ness. Lauren was sposed to come out and play tomorrow at her house for this Christmas shindig between Gordie, Dustin, Sam and me. As well as Lauren. However shes incredibily sick (aww baby). So it was just guna be the four of us. And now Dustin decides to be an inconsiderate prick and ditch us. But he never told me. Yet again Im left in the blue with only Sam and Gordie to tell me, oh yeah, hes not going. Well fuck you and thanks Dustin. Thats just sweet. I wish you could take your ever changing moods and shove them up your ass, provided you could fit with everything else crammed up there. You got some issues and I wish you wouldnt even talk to anyone cause all you ever do is taint it or break it or make it bad one way or another. And Im sure in three days Ill be all happy go lucky with the fuck face again but the point is right now I think YOURE the one to be selfish. And Im sick of your fucking ways.

Just. Fuck. Off.

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To keep me warm at night [14 Dec 2003|09:39am]
[ mood | happy ]

Yeah Eunae.... I do hurt but.... Ill get over it. I know this seems odd, considering well, I was so upset last night. But I woke up at 11 and came downstairs and talked to Dustin. We kinda argued for a bit about me not wanting to talk to them ever again. And we addressed some issues, and he told me, that he wanted me to be happy. Because he cared for that girl that I was. And I felt bad because I finally realized not only am I betraying myself, but my friends as well. Dustin was right, I am a spoiled lil brat with insignificant problems. Im sposed to be happy. And I will be. I always complain Dustin dwells on his past hurt, but am I much better? I told him how I felt about.... how it always seems like Im his doll. Like hes never happy with how I am. And he agreed it was unfair. He told me that Ill never be 100% happy with him unless we were together romantically. I told him that although I may still like him, I realize that we will never go out again. His parting words were "never say never"... for a kid who told me earlier he didnt wana go out with me, and wishes I wouldnt like him, I dont think he should say stuff like that. But oh well, shit happens right. Time to be happy and forget all my troubles. And this will be quite easy to do the moment Im un-sick. Im sorry for whining and complaining, Im sorry for ending up in the hospital. But its time for Jessy to be herself again. Cause depression doesnt go with my complexion.

Sooooo on a happier note, I rented Holes and the Lizzie Mcguire movie. YEAH I DID haha. I know theyre so three year old... but I was in that kinda mood. And I mean, I actually really liked Holes. Lizzie Mcguire... I have no idea why I wanted to see that again. I think its cause I was so happy about the ending when Lizzie and Gordo kissed. I actually think Gordo is cute. I wonder how old he is haha. But seriously, hes different looking and he seems to have a great personality. Im glad Miranda wasnt in this movie cause I have a strong disliking for her. Ew. Lizzie... Hilary Duff... annoying blonde. Shes the one that gives blondes a bad name. Tru dat. Haha.

My throat is all icky wicky *hack* Im serious, Ima shoot my parents for not giving me the damn flu shot. But noooo we are cheapskates. Hmpf. But oui. Im not allowed tyenol either for obvious reasons. And my mom is unwilling to give me cough candy even, thats how freaked she is haha. My bad really. So yeah Im putting that vicks vapor rub crap on, having a warm ass shower and drinking cup of tea after cup of tea. :D Does that not sound nice?!? Its okay, admit it, admit your sins! Bleeeeeeeeeeeeh so Hena is my honey. So you all just back off, get your own Hena. YEAH I SAID IT. Pssh your face.

Deathpuppets. Does that not sound cool or what?

6 popsSnap

Its all so stupid of me [13 Dec 2003|08:32pm]
[ mood | sore ]

Do you want to know what your tarot card is? Do you want to know what your tarot card is? Do you want to know what your tarot card is?

Thats odd. Because... All I want is love, care, and strength... to get through this... Im upset with my friends, and I.. dont.. want to trust in them, or have faith or love or anything towards them. Because all it does is cause me hurt in the end. So maybe I should flip these, because I will have none of these tonight. Ive had enough. If I can persuade my mom, which is doubtful but still hopeful, I will leave Walnut Grove Secondary for a new school... away from that in which causes me pain.

1 popSnap

Why should I care? [09 Dec 2003|07:39am]
[ mood | nervous ]

Hey poo faces. Mmm... my tummy still kinda hurts everytime I eat and what not because of all the throwing up, and lack of food I had this weekend. But Im getting better. I was really... weak at school yesterday cause I hadnt been walking around a whole lot and so just a lot of movement was getting me dizzy and what not... s'all good though. I learnt that Ive been even more sensitive lately, so Im kinda, not hanging around Dustin's every word and what not. Just, realize that he doesnt mean to, but somehow finds a way, and I dont need that right now... so yeah I told all my friends that Im guna be worse then usual when it comes to some comments, so just, not to worry about anything if I take offense. *yawns* Im really sleepy though. Blah. Guna try going shopping today after school, provided I feel better and so on. But hopefully, right? :D I have to talk to Mr. Favaro and tell him Im sorry for not having done my other oral, and the fact I havent been there lately to do my new one. And I would normally do it like today, but since Im not feeling good and such.... I dont really feel like standing in front of a bunch of people and talking... just... really not in the mood for something like that. So hopefully he understands that otherwise I will get my mommy to write a note or something.

But moving on... Ive told a couple more people like Tory, Matt, Gordie... and I think thats it. Yeah... :S Oh wait and Tawn. I also wana tell Alisha... just cause shes like my older sister and yeah, she cares about me no matter how much she swears she doesnt hehe. They all seem.. generally okay with it. Although I was chasing Gordie around telling him about how they shoved the IV needle into me and taped it there.. hehe. Love to bug the kid. Other than that Ive had to talk to a counsellor lady who thinks Im pretty.. sane for a chick that just did what she did. Which made me feel pretty, till my mom said my artwork scared her. :( She doesnt like my prettyful art. Damn her ways.

So yeah, got school to be going to, and hopefully the mall afterwards. Catch ya on the flip side *bursts out laughing* Ahahahahahah! MWAH!

5 popsSnap

A night away [07 Dec 2003|03:36pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Hey uhm, just wanted to say that, Friday night I took a lot of tyenol, apparently my body isnt very good at handling tyenol. I was taken to the emergency room and was said that if I had taken anymore, or hadnt told my parents, that I would have either died, or severe liver problems. I took them at 11-12, and puked at 3-4 when I finally told my mom at 4:15. Ive been at the hospital for over 24 hours, just got back on Sunday at 12. Im only telling online people cause... I dont care nor do I know you. And Ive told Sam, Lauren and Im going to tell Dustin shortly. I dont know why I did it, it wasnt to commit suicide, I just wanted to sleep... I took about 30 pills. Extra strength. My body can barely hold one. I had my blood taken about 7 times, my blood pressure checked every 35 minutes, and an IV was in my for about 20 hours. So yeah. Im kinda not in the mood for talking, I wont be online for awhile. Love and respect that. Hena your beautiful, and Im sorry... Austin dont hate me. Etc etc to everyone else.

3 popsSnap

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