Ess (takexmyhand) wrote,
Ess
takexmyhand

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Im coming clean

I felt like I needed a bubble gum mood to surround me right now. Yknow, happy colors make the woman and all that jazz. :D So, as you probably noticed I went bye bye for a long time, yet again. And thats my bad really but like I said at fake-happy.com, Ive just been trying to get back into the swing of actually completing my homework and handing it in. As well my personal problems with friends and myself have somewhat escalated and although now they are still huge, I am trying my best not to concentrate on them. Thus I went back to here in hopes of distracting myself. And I even started a diary again (written)... I feel so old school haha.

Well. Yknow what. I was guna mention my problems with Dustin but it seems so pointless since, Hena will get mad, others will tell me to get over him. So whatever. Blah de blah blah right. Just a boy. But in other news concerning friends, Im against Lauren. Besides the fact the girl claimed to always be there for me, she ran away at my weakness, and let others handle me while she got mad at me. She made me feel stupid and pathetic for being depressed. And then after all the times I asked her, do you have a crush on Dustin, she finally says she does but I have to hear the entire story from Tawnya and Gordie. She didnt even have the nerve to tell Tory the entire truth. These things have uspet me. I realize I may also be tainted because of my obvious feelings for Dustin. But the thing is, Im not mad at him. Im saddened because he cares for a girl hes only known for a few months, and he wont even care for me, someone he has known for more then four years. But whatever, right? Lauren, however, thought she could spare my feelings... and would hide her attraction for him. Never telling a soul. But the moment there is a disagreement between us its like shoot off and tell Dustin you like him. Never once telling me. But ah, right, none of my business. No, of course not. But is it any of her business that I was in the hospital? No. No I called Dustin because I made a promise. I dont want attention as she likes to believe. If I did I would have told everyone. They did that themselves.

Okay, Im really trying to control that anger. Really. I swear. Bleh. I have like twenty minutes left in Computer Graphics till it is time to go home. This day keeps dragging on and Im in an extreme amount of pain cause of cramps. And I cant take any tyenol for obvious reasons. I really fucked myself over on that one. Hmpf. I think my main problem is, Im too honest and open with my personal problems. People cant seem to accept that. Tawnya can go off cutting herself but because she doesnt tell anyone, including her friends and family, its alright. I mean even if we find out in our own ways, we learn to accept it. However, because Im off trying to deal and accept my own actions, people get upset. Well that is unfair. Its like they are looking for reasons to hate me. To be mad at me. Im not a good person. Im not pretending to be. I know Im at fault and I know I say cruel things. But the truth of the matter is I dont always mean it. I just get worked up.

Before I continue with that ramble I just want to say that I did go and see a doctor and I was diagnosed with OCP which is a part of the anxiety disorder umbrella. My mother has it and basically you just worry over small things. Like is your handwriting perfect, is the picture straight, and when you care for things or like something, you overdo it. You may have noticed before when I owned Meowr, I constantly changed the layouts. Thats because they never felt perfect and I couldnt bare to come look at my site. I also hate to see fingerprints or bent pages in books. These are a lot of the things that upset me. And as for the caring too much. When I have friends, I love them to death I trust and I care and all that jazz. And I take things to heart. Because I put them in a place so near to my very being that its easy to get hurt. And I get upset. But I never hold grudges. Needless to say, they do.

The doctor.. my parents, all say I should get new friends. Or be on my own for a little while. My mom especially does not want me hanging around Dustin. Which is understandable since he does seem to be the cause of my anguish, usually. But the thing is, I find it hard. Out of all the people in my life, I can never stay mad or hate, or stop talking to... Dustin. I mean, I miss Lauren, and I miss Jill. I dont know where Sam and I are, but yeah. No matter how many times I tell myself Im never guna talk to Dustin again. I cant help. Because he is my vault, like my brother. I wont give him up because I care too much. But the problem is now, he will give me up. When it comes to Lauren, he will change. Its even started now. This guy always ALWAYS was honest and never hid his opinion. So when I learnt that he told Gordie he believes its not my fault for Hilary's problem, I grew upset because he would never tell me. He would never tell Lauren. And all because he wouldnt want her upset with him. For everyone to understand. Thats not the Dustin I grew to know. But no one believes me. Lauren changed. That made me sad. I do NOT want Dustin changing. No one sees this but me.

Maybe Im paranoid. But I know my friends. I know when something is wrong, I know when things are changing. I tend to accept change. But I dont think this will be for the better. Let him be happy but be happy being yourself Dustin.

Ergh. Look, its Hilary Duff. I like her new song Come Clean *hangs head in shame* Just walk away now... haha talk when I get home or something ;)
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